PANACEA

They say that when you are about to die, your entire life flashes in front of your eyes. But when the person who you love the most is about to die in front of you, then what do you see?

…….

I am special. I can see the future. But, it comes with a caveat; I can’t tell what I see to anyone, coz if I do so, then the exact opposite of it happens.

I first found out when I was twelve, old enough to understand the dynamics of life and death in a rational manner. I was out walking my dog when suddenly a red haze appeared in front of my eyes. I saw a crowd gathered around a spot and as I tried to peer in, I saw a girl crying over her dead dog. That girl was me. Needless to say, moments later, my beloved canine was put to sleep by a bus and I was left dumbfounded, with tears trickling down my eyes. I had other such visions throughout my life but none comparable to what I had seen just now.

Both of us were out to the carnival, to celebrate our second anniversary together, doing the third round of the Ferris wheel. Not that it’s the epitome of a romantic getaway, but coz he just loved the thrill of it all. And I loved the way his hair flew back and how his eyes doubled in size, with a beaming smile on his face. We were approaching the top when I saw the familiar red haze. I saw that just as we were crossing the helm, the harness broke off, and I was flung fore, plummeting towards my impending death.

I had grown used too such grotesque visions and had learnt to control my tongue so as not to mess with destiny’s perfect plans, but what I had seen just now was totally off the hook. I had seen myself get hurt before, but never dying. And I don’t know what it was, maybe it was the strength of his love, or the belief that maybe if death had to come, there wasn’t a more opportune moment, but impulsively I blurted it out to him...

“I’m about to die”, I said.

He looked into my eyes, a little surprised, well aware of my “gift” and the consequences, if the visions were to be revealed. But he just smiled and looking deep into my eyes, kissed me. I suddenly realized that I had committed a ghastly blunder, and had put his life in jeopardy, as the opposite of “I’m about to die”, would imply “YOU, are about to die”…

What would you see?

I closed my eyes, but yet I could see clearly, all the moments spent with him, that had contributed in shaping my life like it is today. I remember, this day, exactly two years ago, when we had first met at New Years Eve. I was at a friend’s party and due to the lack-luster ambience, was just biding my time standing in the balcony, looking at the stars, wondering about how lonely each star would feel, in that cold and dark universe, being millions of miles away, even from its immediate neighbors. And in midst of my profound contemplation of interstellar commiserations, I had a vision. I saw a man jumping out that very balcony, upon which I was resting my elbows now. Needless to say, I was shocked. I looked around and saw a lot of people who were dancing and drinking, but couldn’t find anyone who looked even remotely interested in committing suicide. Midnight was fast approaching and I had to leave the place by twelve; not that I was Cinderella or something, but I had strict orders at home to be back by 1, lest I’d be grounded for the next three months. I was wondering where to find him, when I heard someone crying. I couldn’t fathom the source but I knew it was from somewhere near. I craned my neck as far out as I could, and saw that right below me, a man was standing on the parapet, his feet dangerously close to the edge and I knew I had found my man. I called out to him but he didn’t respond. I called him again and this time he looked up, bewildered and apparently intoxicated. He asked: “Who is this??”

“This is God”.

“God??”

“Yes, God. And you sir are about to commit the most heinous crime humanly possible. Why do you want to die?”

“You are God. You wrote this for me. You should know. And since when did women get elected for such important posts? Really, no wonder God is a she. Women hate me and I am destined to suffer at their hands…”

“It’s not their fault you see. You write your own destiny. It’s you who choose the wrong girls and then blame the whole female fraternity. You should be more careful as to whom you attach your emotions with and whom you rest your trust upon. You shouldn’t give up like this.. somewhere out there, there is a girl waiting just for you.”

“But then, every girl I have loved has either left me or ended up in bed with my one of my friends. How do I know where my perfect girl is?”

“Well.. Just open the door..”

Saying this, I rushed downstairs and waited for the door to open. After sometime it did open. Our eyes met and however clichéd it might sound, it was love at first sight. We kept looking into each other’s eyes and could hear fireworks going off in the background. And just like Cinderella, I had found my Prince Charming at the stroke of midnight. We kissed and I don’t know what it’s like up there, but I knew I was in heaven…

That tear trickling down his cheek then, it flashed in front of me now.

..We were having a leisurely stroll in the park on a lazy October afternoon. I noticed he wasn’t talking much and I knew something was bothering him. I had a vision, in which I saw him crying, bawling, absolutely screeching, as if his world had come to an end. I asked him: “Is something wrong?”

“Nope.. everything’s just fine..”

“Doesn’t seem so to me, you look like you’re about to cry. And why are you fiddling with that empty packet in your hand, just throw it..”

“I like it, it reminds of the ‘corn I just had.. I can feel that saltiness lingering in my mouth every time I look at it..”

“Look dear, if it’s just the popcorn then we can buy another one, but really if it’s something else then you can always tell me..”

He took a deep breath and gasped, then after something that seemed like an eternity, he finally spoke...
“You see that couple over there, sitting on the bench.. that girl was my first love..”

I felt a mild jolt all over my body and for a moment I froze in my stance, but seeing that my silence wouldn’t help the cause, I joked..
“Well, maybe she was, maybe she wasn’t. One can never be too sure of such things when one has been in as many relationships as you have..”

“You think I don’t remember? She was the first girl whom I dreamt about, whose persona and grace were unparalleled, such that other girls have only been caricatures of.. and maybe the reason why I have been in so many failed relationships is that I tried to look for her in every girl I met, forgetting the fact that she was and always will be, unique. And even now, when I see her sitting there, laughing and holding hands, it makes me feel jealous, feel unhappy; not that it’s your fault in any way, but just that I can’t seem to get over her.”

I was shocked, and inside me I was crying. Every word of his had struck me like lighting and reeling under the influence of them, I spoke:
“See, maybe it’s your latent sadness that doesn’t allow you to accept other peoples happiness. Sometimes people are happy and sometimes they just give the impression of being so, it doesn’t really matter. But the thing is, that the most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them- words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie wherever your secret emotions are buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly, only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important, that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear. And I don’t know whether I can ever live upto your expectations or match her persona and grace, but I can assure you one thing, I will always be that understanding ear and that shoulder you can lean on; and maybe the one who can make you laugh in your times of misery…”

He looked at me with eyes full of adoration and asked: “Tell me one thing, what is happiness for you?"

“For me.. this is happiness. Just being here with you..”

That smile on his face then, it flashed in front of me now.

There were many more such slices of life that flashed in front of me in a split second. I could feel that we were approaching the top and my heart was filled with intense anxiety. I held him tightly, thinking that if death had to come, then it should take us both together. He could feel my twitchy embrace and kissed me even harder; realizing that any moment now, both of us could be separated for ever. We started descending and my heart was pounding inside me, maybe hard enough so that he felt it throbbing against his chest, as he tightened his hold around me. Suddenly I heard a loud bang.

For a moment my heart stopped. Then there was another, and another and another, they just kept on coming. We looked up and saw the sky was lit up with resplendent fountains of light, spluttering fulgurant streams of sparkles in the air, filing the night sky up, with a million glittering stars in all possible colors. We kept on descending until we slowly reached the bottom and finally got off; while not for a single moment did our eyes leave the sight of each other.

He didn’t die and neither did I. But I kept wondering how my vision had proved me wrong today; and only later on did I realize, that the opposite of “I’m about to die” is also, “I ain’t about to die”…

I don’t know what antonyms does God choose, but I do know that although modern medicine has performed many miracles till date, but love and only love, has the power to conquer death…