Monday, January 26, 2009

A MILITANT’S MEMOIR - Part 1


“Come back soon.. I’ll be waiting for you..”


I couldn’t say anything.. I just kept staring at her.. with that soft quivering smile of hers and a warm gaze in her eyes that drove away the chill of the rainy night by the flame of ardent love burning inside us both.. I felt fortunate to have met her and loved her.. and knowing the fact that of the countless drops of water falling on the ground that instant, one of them was a silent tear of hers...


Next thing I remember was that our plane had crashed in an unknown territory and the radar showed three little dots approaching us. The crash was indeed noticed by the surrounding guards and they came in for surveillance. They were speaking an unknown tongue and that made us twitch... It was bad enough to be lying unconscious, with a broken wrist, having to suppress the searing pain, but the sight of foreign soldiers piercing the dead bodies lying around me with their bayonets.. that.. was horrifying..


I thought I was better off dead.. but what was surprising for me.. lying there.. waiting to be impaled.. was the fact that I wasn’t scared of it. All these dreadful thoughts that were springing up in my mind one after the another were just serving to distract me from the current predicament I was in.. coz at that point.. all that I could think of was.. her standing there in the rain.. waving her hands.. The fact that she was still waiting there for me.. knowing I may never return.. it gave me immense amount of courage. My father once told me.. if your heart is empty.. your mind doesn’t matter. But my heart was full.. full of the love that she had shown me.. full of the faith she had in me… and hence.. my mind was working furiously.. I had to find a way to get out of there.. just so that I could get back to her and hold her in my arms..


That was when I realized.. I was lying on top of the emergency exit. To get out.. all I needed to do was turn the knob and jump out.. which was exactly what I did.. only to realize later that we had actually crashed on top of a tree.. and I fell down making a loud thud. That caught the attention of a guard who was standing down there and he rushed towards me.. I was reeling with excruciating pain but had no time to nurse my wounds… I picked up broken branch and hit the soldier with a mighty swing. He fell down on the ground, probably unconscious. I exchanged my clothes with him, took his gun and ran away. I reached a dwelling that had light flickering inside. I peeped in through the door and saw a woman, sitting on her knees.. praying to god for something.. I tried to make out what she was saying.. but all I got was “protect my love fighting for the pride of our country”. I thought of an excuse to get in and knocked on the door.


There were three girls inside the house apart from her. Two of them were sleeping and the other one got up by the sound. The house was empty, except for a few pieces of furniture and a large trunk. The woman told me to go away, as I had expected, to which I replied.. I am friend of your husband.. he has sent me with some money for u.. he still loves you and remembers you all fondly.. can I get some water please..


The woman was shocked and ran inside.. she handed me a blanket and shut the doors.. the girl inquired more about her father.. to which I gave random and vague, but satisfactory answers, reassuring her repeatedly that he still loved and remembered them.


That night, as I was lying on the floor.. trying hard to sleep.. l looked at that innocent girl’s face and the thought struck me.. it wasn’t just me who was waiting to get back.. even this girl was waiting… waiting for her father.. god knows who or where he was... That is what life is like, for our families.. wait and wait.. ceaselessly, with unwavering belief that their loved ones would one day return to them.. feeling their presence near you all the time.. even if they are not by your side.


Waiting.. the most difficult part of our lives.. more so if it’s for something you are unsure would happen..


Next morning I was woken up by the girl. She told me that the entire village was being searched for an unknown enemy soldier who had escaped last night, killing one of theirs... Every house was inspected and every person scrutinized.. I immediately tried to get up, but couldn’t. The fall had hurt me and my arm was swollen. She looked at my pain and said she would call the officers to help me… as I was one of them. I stopped her.. saying that I had come back unofficially.. and if found out.. I would be put in prison. She unassumingly believed me and called her mother who was busy preparing some alchemic ointment of sorts which she applied on my wrist and my back.. made me inhale some of its sharp heady vapors, as I wondered.. what is this strange force.. known as love, that not only the person concerned, but anyone even remotely connected to them in their joys and sorrows.. becomes a trustworthy companion of ours.. wondrous are the caprices of the heart.. making us forget reason and logic at times we need them the most and then showing us courage in times of insurmountable adversities… and slowly.. I was lulled into a deep dreamless slumber.


Once again I was woken up by the girl, but it was dark now. I couldn’t make out what was happening.. all I could see were four, dark, faint figures in front of me, who looked like columns of thick smoke rising from a distance. I was woken up again, this time more sternly, by a firmer voice.. and I saw in front of me the woman.. young by appearance but not by her expressions. She had the look on her face which the old ladies of our house have, when they encounter anything contrary to their known beliefs.. She told me to have dinner and take rest.. I said I was fine, but she insisted. As I was about to lie down again.. I noticed the two little girls looking at me wondrously.. they must have been wondering who this stranger is who has been sleeping all day in their house. I went towards them and asked them their names. They didn’t reply.. their mother told them to go to sleep.. they resented.. but finally had to follow her orders and reluctantly went to their respective mats. Then I asked them.. “Would you like to hear a story?” they gleefully agreed. Their mother was skeptical.. but still I continued.. telling them fabricated, fictional, fairy tales about how brave their father was.. slaying dragons.. clashing single handedly with legions and saving their mother from the clutches of an evil villain.. etc. etc... as they sat there wide eyed and amazed..


Later that night.. as I was rolling uneasily in bed.. I found the door was open and their mother was sitting in the porch. I took my blanket and went to her. She looked at me, surprised, and kept staring at me.. I felt uncomfortable by being ogled at like that and was about to say something when she spoke..


“You know.. these two have never seen the face of their father.. no one has ever told them a bedtime story.. in fact, they don’t even know who their father is.. he left us the day I gave birth to a third girl child.. in a way you have been more a father to them than he ever was..”

“Who are you? Are you the same soldier they were looking for today?”


“As I said.. I am in the same regiment as your husband and I’ve run away from the army.. he had told me to give his family the message of his well being and that he loved you all..”


“If that is the case.. then why are you wearing his shirt??”


My throat got parched in an instant.. the realization came so suddenly that it made me go blank.. I understood then, that the reason those soldiers didn’t come to this house was because it belonged to that very person who had been killed that night…


“When you knew it was me they were looking for.. knowing very well that I was the person who killed your husband.. why didn’t you tell them?”


“Well.. I had thought of handing you over, although at first I thought of killing you myself. Seeing the murderer of the person whom I had loved so dearly, lying unconscious in front of me, was enough inspiration for doing so.. but then my daughter told me what you told her.. how happy she felt by the fact that someone who knew her father was there with us, someone who had risked his life just for delivering the message of his safety. I didn’t want to take away that little glint of happiness from her eyes... But that too wasn’t the reason. While you were lying half dead there.. I heard you say something.. it didn’t sound like water.. or food.. it was the name of a girl.. then I realized… just like I wait for him all the time.. day and night.. there might be someone who waits for you too.. I know, the torment caused by a lifetime of loneliness and the fire which burns your heart every time you think about them. And if I can’t end mine.. then I can at least help in ending someone else’s longing.”


“But.. because of me.. your wait will never end now..”


“But that doesn’t mean I’ll stop waiting..”


“Waiting?? But for whom??”


“Waiting for love.. aren’t we all..”


There was an awkward moment of silence. To change the topic.. I asked her where her eldest daughter was.. she said she had gone to claim the belongings of her father…


“In the death of the night? Amidst such biting cold weather? Don’t you think you should have gone with her?”


“Well.. I couldn’t just leave you all like that..”


“Then I’m going with her to get her back.. it’s too much of a torment for a girl her age..”


“Wait.. I’ll go.. you need to rest..”


“Well then.. Come back soon.. I’ll be waiting for you..”




...........................To be continued