Lux Aeterna

I was so happy then.. I often look at the pictures of those times to relive those memories..

Where did you get these pictures from?

I… I.. don’t remember.. I know I shot them but I can’t seem to recollect… maybe I had them developed…?

Hmm… nice.. Lux Aeterna again..

What’s Lux Aeterna?

The light that never fades out.. The eternal Light..

What’s that got to do with my mental condition?

I’ll tell you.. but let me tell you a story first…..

“It was foretold of Simataura, a place bristling with creatures beastly and ominous, that death will elude its inhabitants, and they shall end up scavenging their own children and kin, to feed their perpetually burgeoning hunger for blood. They fed on their progeny and reproduced only to further the quantity of measly morsels they would consume. They fed on natures finest creations and slowly grew as tall as Redwood trees, but with hearts smaller than a locusts pellets. Then they had wars, for their mothers were no longer able to procreate at a rate abreast with the rate of consumption, and they killed each other for the ghastly purpose of feeding their cadavers to their partners. Such became the nature of these creatures that Nature itself shuddered to acknowledge their existence.

But then Nature decided that it all had to end, and it bestowed upon them Lux Aeterna, the eternal light, the light of love.. for now these creatures could love each other and most importantly, love their offsprings. They could no longer eat them because even the sight of anguish on their posterity’s faces would cause an unfathomable pain in their chests. Hence they started to feed upon much lesser beings, slowly diminishing in size and valor, but growing from inside, spiritually, and humanely.

The Lux Aeterna was to remain eternal and never be doused by even the most fiendish of forces. And as history would have it, Simataura begun to be known as Sumatra, the island where the oldest human remains have been found to date…. The island where supposedly the human race began….”

I don’t know what to make of this story…

Well… you can call this myth or a preposterous piece of history, but the truth is, that the ability to love was once devoid of us humans. It’s in our genes to be unable to love and although these genes were suppressed for ages and almost disappeared few centuries back, they returned after the spawning of the Industrial Era. Busy work schedules, increasing need of personal space, lesser human interactions and unprecedented self-importance led to the hardening of our hearts and in some cases, even to paralysis…

Paralysis? How can not loving someone cause paralysis?

The reason is strange but all too true.. The mind is the center of all bodily functions.. so slowly the mind grew devoid of love for others and the sphere of affection began contracting.. it collapsed to our own bodies, and then shrank further, eluding the body parts one by one, where eventually, the only thing the mind cared about was itself.. it refused the body and would function only on its individual requirements. This led to sporadic paralysis and even periods of intermittent comatose states in some cases.

Whoa!! This is crazy.. Do you know someone who suffered from this?

There’s no easy way to say this but… uhh..

Oh God.. Don’t tell me.. I had this.. this.. syndrome?

Yes…

So how did I come out of it?

Well, there were a number of people suffering from the ‘Simatauran Syndrome’… and then a company called “Lux Aeterna” came into existence.. it cured such people by targeting their reactive minds and enabling them to love again. It successfully eradicated this syndrome in a few years, but then because its treatment processes were not certified, they eventually shut it down.

So… you mean to say they did this to me??

‘They’ did this to ‘You’? YOU did this to YOU! They cured you damnit.. redeemed you from almost certain paralysis.. True.. there were some side effects but that’s way better than being a vegetable all your life..

‘Some’ side effects? I feel like killing myself everytime I see those eyes looking at me in my dreams. I hallucinate about them.. obsess about them.. they ravage my thoughts and soul..

Don’t worry.. You’ll get over it.. I’ll help you.. that’s what I am here for..

I don’t want to get over it. I’ll find her..

Are you crazy? How can you find something that doesn’t exist? They just fed your brain with gooey-signals and impulses to recreate the illusion of love. God knows what legerdemain they pulled off.. but one thing is for sure.. none of it was real…

Let it be.. I am going to find her out.. I’ll find out who she was if it’s the last thing I do in life.. thanks for your time Doc..

***

Hey.. its been two years since I last saw you... What have you been upto?

Many things actually.. I tried innumerable things to track her down.. I asked people around.. put-up ads on e-bay.. developed a face recognition software.. hacked into the government records.. what not….

Any luck??

No… no….. no luck whatsoever..

So are you finally over her?

No.. not at all.. I can never be.. I was so happy then.. those pictures maybe fake according to you.. but look at how happy I am.. is that fake too?

Well it’s just the mental image of your happiness.. you imagined you were happy while your body was predominantly paralyzed all throughout.. I’m sorry to say this but its fake..

But then what about the things I am feeling now? Is that fake too? Is the fact that I’m seething with rage right now fake? Are the dreams that I have every night fake? Is that burning look in her eyes and the way it hypnotizes me also fake? And if they are fake, then I don’t know what’s real anymore.. Sometimes I feel so happy just thinking about her that I have to cut myself and bleed to judge whether I am on the dimension of reality or not... How could something so powerful be fake? The torment, the anguish, its not fake Doc.. it’s all too real.. and it doesn’t change anything if You believe in it or not.. I can feel it.. it’s my reality, not yours…

OK.. then tell me.. if you do get to meet her again.. What is the first thing you would like to do?

I.. would.. thank her.. thank her for giving my life back to me.. for making me feel so alive again.. and….

Very Well.. come with me..

***

What is this place?

No questions asked.. none answered.. sit down and close your eyes.. when you feel that your head’s about to explode.. tell me.. OK?

Hmm-hmm..

***

So.. did you meet her?

Hmm..

What happened? Did you ‘thank’ her?

Not really.. I felt strange when I saw her..

Strange as in?

As in.. All these years I kept thinking.. how long will I keep searching for her? How far would I go? How far should I go? And everytime I thought this.. I would dispel these thoughts by telling myself that finding her is the only way I can bring happiness back into my life.. but now that I saw her.. I didn’t even feel like talking to her.. she was so different from what I remembered her as.. her eyes were the same but they didn’t have that fervor.. her facial features.. everything was same but in some queer way.. so very different.. I.. I.. dunno..

Have you read the ‘Lord of the Rings’?

Ya.. well.. I’ve seen the movie..

Ok.. so tell me.. why do you think.. out of all the mighty warriors that existed.. an insignificant hobbit was chosen to be the ring bearer?

What’s that got to do with my situation??

It has plenty… you see.. the ring gave its bearer all these amazing powers.. so whoever wore it.. got addicted to it.. it had this magical aura that would leave everyone who caught even a sight of it, spellbound.. anyone who fantasized about great power or even marginally flirted with the idea of being immortal, couldn’t escape its hypnotic charm and would eventually sacrifice all they had to stay with the ring forever.. even if it meant to give up their own lives.. Now my question for you is.. Does this sound hyperbolic, or all too familiar?

I.. I………

You know.. When you try too hard to own something.. or gain possession of something.. you hold on to it too tightly.. so much so that you can’t let go of it anymore.. because in reality.. it’s not You who owns that ‘thing’.. it’s that ‘thing’ that ends up owning you.. Does this make any sense to you??

Hmm…

Now imagine yourself.. standing on top of a fiery volcano.. with that precious ring in your hand.. you need to throw it in the fire to protect humanity’s existence.. but then you have this unbearable urge to stay with the ring.. what would you do if you were a greedy human instead of an unaspiring hobbit? Could you let go? Tell me.. Could You?

N.. No..

But if you absolutely had to throw it in.. what would you do? Would you consider going along with it into the hellish fire-hole as a valid option??

Ok.. very well.. I get it Doc.. I should have let her go.. should have gotten over her a long time ago.. and shouldn’t have wasted so much time obsessing about her.. but how does that explain what I felt when I saw her there?

Hehe.. it’s all too simple.. Your greedy genes ensure that your mind is still its own selfish self.. when you were hooked to Lux Aeterna few minutes ago.. you saw her again.. and your mind was shocked to see the less than perfect image of her.. she wasn’t as amazing as the image your vivid imagination had painted.. but yet.. she was there right in front of you.. the fruition of many years of intense struggle.. but yet.. she was imperfect.. because.. everytime you had second thoughts about whether or not you should continue this wild goose chase.. your mind tricked you by painting an even prettier picture of her.. eventually amplifying her beauty and charisma so much.. that it became impossible for any living creature to actually conform to such incredibly high standards…. Then.. your mind was caught in a dilemma.. whether to stay in this illusion with that semi-perfect being.. wondering if it was all worth it.. or.. to get back to reality and start living your self-indulgent life again.. allegorically speaking.. it had to choose.. whether to wear the ring and jump into the fire.. or give it up and live a docile life again…

So… does that mean.. I’ll never get to see her again?

Well technically you can.. You still have your memories.. you can just remember whatever fragments there are left of her in your mind.. but the thing is.. Would You really want to??