A MILITANT’S MEMOIR- PART II

……..Contd.




“What is your name?” was the first thing that the youngest one asked me the next morn after I got up.. I thought it would be unwise to tell them the truth and said.. “Did you know how your father and I became friends??” They all returned blank expressions to which I replied.. “Your father had once received a letter.. but it was no ordinary letter, it was a love letter from a girl expressing her deepest and most intimate desires in the most affectionate way humanly possible. This news spread like wildfire in our regiment.. that confined in the insentient and estranged expanses of a deserted land an unsung war hero had garnered a secret admirer. With time.. the news reached my ears and even I was interested to find out more about this Adonis present amongst us.. and when I did get to lay my hands on the coveted letter.. I found to my amazement.. the addressee was none other than my fiancée.. and the reason why the letter had reached the wrong hands was coz your father and me might not have shared common love interests but we did share the same name! That was when our friendship blossomed and slowly transformed from companionship into camaraderie.”

..By the time I finished this contrived recital of self-redemption, I found I had managed to capture the puerile fantasies of all three kids.. and even their mother, who knew the actuality of it all, couldn’t help but suppress a quivering smile from appearing on her somnolent face…

After a few days.. we moved to another town, where by virtue of the military certificate, we got a permanent residence and with time I settled into this docile way of life… working as a clerk during the day, telling bedtime stories in the night.. and in between, helping their mother out with other mundane household chores..

Quite amazingly.. with each passing day now.. the immensely garroting feeling of remorse in me had slowly started to subside. I felt that penitence was the only reward for my transgression and by committing myself to their well-being and tranquility, I was absolving the sins I had committed, by dropping in uninvited in their placid lives. By then we had made a world of our own.. five souls who had discovered unparalleled bliss in ignorance, with countless questions to ask from one another.. but still refraining from quenching their anxiety, due to the fear of upsetting the unassertive sustenance round which their lives revolved..

But even in this serene way of life.. there was one disconcerting thought that would often pass my mind.. The image of Her.. waiting in the rain, waving her hands in a lovelorn adieu, her bedewed eyes betraying the smile on her face.. lips quivering in a silent farewell… all of it haunted me and slowly.. all my waking hours were consumed in the reminiscence of that fleeting moment of separation.. and in my sleep.. I would hear her voice, her laugh, her murmurs, her whispers, that faint tune which always adorned her lips whenever we were together... My entire life seemed to be devoted to her memories and the incessant yearning for a moment of togetherness.. became an obsession of sorts....

And one fine morning.. this realization struck me.. that I had not written to her even once during my prolonged subsistence in this alien land.. how long was it since the unpropitious night of the plane crash.. I had no idea and there was no way I could inquire and find it out..

I decided then.. that I would write to her.. tell her about my fateful experiences and ominous trysts with destiny.. how I had missed her all along and ask her about how she had been, all these days. That night.. I sat down to pen down all these fleeting thoughts that choked my mind, making it incapable of contemplation.. and only envisioning how she would react upon reading this letter..

I wrote down every single thought that had crossed my mind, describing every silent tear that I had wept in her longing, how desperately I wanted to see her puckered smile, to feel the warmth of her gentle touch, to hear her sweet voice.. and I don’t know when.. but unknowingly, I fell asleep under the silver moonlight.. unaware of the time.. and was engulfed in a deep paradoxical sleep.. lost in a time when me and my beloved were walking down the country road.. hand-in-hand..

When I woke up.. the clamorous din of thunder ringed in my ears and I saw that it was raining maliciously.. and what was more starling was the fact, that the front door was open… I stepped out and saw in the scanty moonlight a sight I had never imagined.. their mother was walking along the desolate road.. walking all alone in the rain.. like a lost soul lamenting the loss of a beloved.. yearning for a sense of purpose in a lovelorn life.. I ran up to her.. held her arms.. and found her weeping most uninhibitedly..

Just as I attempted to console her.. she put her hand across my neck and rested her drenched scalp on my shoulder.. with tears trickling down her ashen cheeks.. the warmth of which I could feel even through two layers of woolen robes..

I wondered what could have been the cause of such agony that made this woman, with a heart as robust as steel.. deluge her silent tears frozen in time, on a night as sinister as this.. I tried to take her to shelter but she wouldn’t budge.. she just kept weeping and then, almost after an eternity had passed with the two of us drenching in the downpour.. she slowly raised her brow and rolled up her eyes.. enough for me to get a clear view of them.. but angled in a manner that they could in no way meet the sight of mine..

“I’m a sinner” she said.. “I’ve sinned..”

“What.. what sin are you talking about?”

“I’ve sinned.. I destroyed your letter..”

“My letter? WHY??”

“Actually.. all letters posted from our country to yours are reviewed by the police under the behest of the military. I thought of warning you but then reading what you had written.. made my heart ache.. and being a woman.. however stone hearted at that but a woman nonetheless.. I can understand the agony of one waiting for the return of her beloved.. when everyone else has forgotten all about him.. But letting you post it would have meant that we’d be arrested on counts of treason and so before this letter made me change my mind.. I destroyed it..”

“But still.. I mean it’s not such a big crime that you think it to be.. it was just a piece of paper.. I can write it down again…”

“That’s what my crime is.. I don’t want you to write it down ever again..”

I was taken aback by her reply.. and as my mind raced to think of any possible rational reason for her answer.. she spoke.. “I don’t want you to leave us the way my husband left me.. I have come to love my life the way it is and the truth is that your uninvited entry in it has in fact brought me closer to my daughters.. the very daughters whom I had hated, thinking of them to be the reason why the love of my life had deserted me.. but your arrival has given me a purpose.. to keep fighting for them.. to make them strong and able enough so that no spineless bastard can abandon them in the death of night and leave them weak and helpless.. and You.. you are that very source of providence and righteousness for them whom they look upon so ardently.. and if you leave.. my life would lose purpose.. my daughters would lose their guiding star and I.. would once again lose any hope of finding love in the face of adversities..”


As I stood there that night.. dumfounded by the woman’s reply.. amidst the torrential downpour and the pallid moonlight.. I could think of no better way to respond.. and I kissed her… and doing so.. brought back memories of the times I’d shared with my beloved and looking into her eyes.. I knew.. that she too felt the same way..


I then decided to settle down with them and to never think about her ever again.. but the devil we all so fondly know as Love.. had other plans.. I just couldn’t stop thinking about her and every agonizing day that passed.. increased my desperation to unbearable extremities.. and going against the unsaid promise that I had made that night.. I wrote to her.. saying I am fine..

I repented my action thereafter and would often have nightmares in which the military would invade our home and hold us all in custody.. but as the days passed.. all such speculation in my heart died down and I forgot all about the matter..

Then one afternoon, I heard a knock on the door.. it was a mailman with a package for me.. when I opened it.. I was amused to find a white card in it.. and as I was scanning it further.. my eyes stopped on a spot where Her name was written, along with that of another man.. she had sent me her wedding card with a little hand written note saying “I’m getting married..”

I don’t know how long I stood there like that.. reading those words again and again as my heart refused to accept the truth.. I still thought it was some conspiracy or a misunderstanding.. although I knew fully well that every single letter on that note.. was written by her hand..

The whole evening I kept thinking of a way to stop her from getting married and could think of no better way than to go back and tell her how much I still loved her.. but then, I thought of the children and their mother.. what about them? But still.. I had to go and finally.. I ran away.. in the death of the night.. to forever become a forgotten memory.. lost somewhere in the depths of their broken hearts.. while they slept there peacefully.. dreaming blissfully.. unaware of the torment that awaited them the next morning..

..I kept running and while I was crossing the border.. I was spotted by the guards, who after warning me repeatedly.. shot at me and the next thing I remember.. is waking up in this interrogation cell… And this is my true story officer.. nothing but the truth.. I am not a spy or a terrorist or a militant.. I’m just a man in search of his destiny…”

There was deathly silence in the room, the officers stood there stunned and speechless. A while later, a senior looking officer stepped in, he looked at me for a moment and then asked me to follow him..

As I stepped out of the dimly lit room, I saw in front of me a limitless expanse of barren land, with just two fences running at parallels through it, like the two banks of a river. The officer kept his hand on my shoulder and spoke.. “Our lives are all like the pieces of a puzzle.. all of them having protrusions, concavities and irregularities, some more irregular than others but all of them.. irregular nonetheless.. And it’s a fact.. that no single piece is complete in itself.. it needs other such supplementary pieces to attain completion. But, it is also a fact that no single piece out of the hundred others can complete us and only along with two, three or maybe more such irregular pieces.. can another such piece be completed. But.. of all these numerous pieces that complete us.. there is one special piece.. which fits in so perfectly.. which is unique.. is irreplaceable.. and recognizing that piece, is the very essence of life.. Each and every one of us has it, just like every one of us.. is that one special piece for someone else..”

“If you want, you can return to your motherland or go back to where you came from and I promise you.. not a single bullet would be fired.. the choice is yours.. your Destiny awaits you..”