1969

““This is a story of boy meets girl, but you should know upfront... This is absolutely not a love story.”

*

“1969 was the year when I first fell in love. And I hate Bryan Adams for making a song out of it..”

“Hehe.. why so?”

“Well.. what the heck.. coz it reminded me of you..”

“ME?? Really?”

“Cummon.. don’t act all surprised and stuff.. it’s as if you never knew..”

“I swear I didn’t.. I mean if I would have.. then.. might be..”

“Might be what? Given my cloddish feelings some irrelevant consideration?? I mean why did you never think about me ‘that way’? Was I so extremely repugnant that I would never even stand a chance to be with you even in your thoughts? I mean come on.. You must have thought sometimes about me…. at least once? You must have considered me as an eligible candidate amongst the long list of contenders desperately vying to be your boyfriend?? Anyways.. does it even matter now.. ”

“Now don’t say that..”

“Then what do I say? That I still love you like I had when I was 15 or 16 years old, and still think about you every night before going to bed while staring at our ‘Class of ‘69 pic?”

“Please don’t get angry.. I didn’t mean to..”

“Don’t change the topic.. my anger is not the topic of discussion here.. We were talking about something else.. what was it? I forgot.. ”

“I asked you about who is the person you hate the most..”

“Ohh.. ya.. so you called me here after all these years just to ask that? Now that you know.. what do you plan to do about it? ”

“Nothing.. forget it.. sorry for bothering you.. I just thought that now that we finally live in the same city we should meet up sometime and chat a bit.. both of us lost our spouses this year.. I thought it would be a good way to.. you know.. share our feelings of loss..”

“Ooo… Since when did you start cultivating emotions and became so considerate?”

“And since when did you become so irate?? I mean I always remembered you as a jovial and spirited fella’.. Someone who always found a way to liven me up when I was down.. ”

“Ohh.. WOW!! So that’s all that I am to you? That’s all I ever was? Your special Idiot?? Well.. this just in.. I humbly renounce this coveted post.. I won’t be your idiot any more, it’s not my duty to make you smile..”

“Come on.. don’t say that.. you were and will always be my most special friend.. the fact that I am sitting with you here right now should tell you that..”

“I’m honoured!!”

“Please.. don’t be such a jerk.. Coz I know you are not.. and you suck at sarcasm.. anyways I called you here to tell you something..”

“I’m all ears.. Ma’am..”

“Hmmm… There’s a reason why I asked you about the person you hate the most.. I don’t know if what you said was true.. but the person I hate the most.. is myself..”

“What? Are you serious? I spent all my life trying to find someone who didn’t like you or love you.. and I found not one person fulfilling that criteria.. And now I find that person sitting right in front of me.. Lucky me!”

“Heh.. so typical of you to say that.. but seriously.. for the past few months.. I have been thinking a lot about my past life.. and the more I think.. the more I hate myself.. I mean I married thrice.. lost my kids custody.. could never be a good wife or mother.. and when I finally found someone I could feel safe with, I lost him coz fate can never see me truly happy.. all the mistakes I did, they are coming back to haunt me now.. I feel so totally at loss.. feel so utterly alone.”

“Hey.. wait a minute.. ain’t I supposed to be the ‘Sorry Soul’ here? It’s weird to hear such things from you…. In school, we would all yammer about how we all would end up all old, alone and unwanted.. while people like you would still enjoy the attention of every passerby and even remote acquaintances.. Infact.. even though I loved you like an imbecile.. I secretly hated you for the amount of attention and affection you got.. I hated you coz I was so invisible to you.. coz You made me feel so humiliated every single time when my fantasies didn’t manifest into reality.. when my little loving gestures went unnoticed.. when you failed to read my signals, my sighs, my deep breaths, and my eyes..”

“See.. even you hate me..”

“Wait.. let me finish first.. this world is not meant to run on your whims and fancies and so ain’t I.. You know why all three of your husbands left you? Lack of communication…. Wait.. let me finish dear… Even though you might have loved them or something.. I am pretty sure you wouldn’t have ever gone out of your way to express it explicitly.. whereas your hubbies would have surely done everything humanly possible to showcase their deep love for you…. Those little green catty eyes of yours, you can win over anybody with just a blink of them.. but you can’t answer every question through them.. you have to use your mouth sometimes and articulate an answer in so many words.. The world would be a much happier place if girls would learn to say ‘Yes’ a lot more to guys, and would also be a lot less confusing if girls smiled lesser and spoke clearly more often. You can’t just leave everything speculative and uncertain, and through that, leave people conjecturing if that expression meant ‘Yes’, ‘No’ or ‘Whateva.. I don’t care..’. It was this lack of warmth in your expressiveness which drove all these people away from you.. People feel insignificant when you don’t acknowledge their efforts.. didn’t anybody teach you that? ”

“I am a horrible person.. ain’t I?”

“Horrible? You are a Manic Pixie Dream Girl for Pete’s Sake! Call me a fool if you may.. but every time someone asked me about the girl of my dreams, my thoughts stopped at you.. I try to imagine girls with various combinations of desirable features, but it seems as if it all optimizes to create a figurine that resembles you horribly too exactly.. I would be the last person to call you ‘horrible’ in any respect.. although ‘Insensitive Scuzzbag’ would be more apt according to me..”

“Why do you have to be like this? I made you suffer didn’t I? Then why are you still sitting here trying to cheer me up?”

“Firstly, yes.. you did make me suffer.. I underwent a shitload of suffering coz of you.. You have no idea how difficult it is to be a boy.. you girls are so naturally adept at handling emotions professionally, but for us guys, having an unsaid emotion buried in our heart is like having to run a marathon with a steel spike stuck in your foot.. it’s like.. if you could wish for one thing in life.. it would be to get it out of there.. somehow.. and fast!!”

“I am sorry for it.. for all of it.. really.. for being so inconsiderate and so..”

“Hey.. don’t worry about it.. it’s OK now.. I mean now I don’t even care about what happened in the past.. and I was just kidding about the whole ‘Insensitive Scuzzbag’ thing.. don’t take it seriously..”

“You know what.. a wise man once said, there is always a little truth behind every "Just Kidding", a little emotion behind every "I Don't Care" and a little pain behind every "It's OK".. So don’t try to pull off that ‘I’m all fine and dandy’ act with me.. I can see right through it..”

“Oh.. my my.. You can? When were you gifted with this special ability? Coz back in ‘69 you didn’t seem to have even a fraction of it in you.. Could you never sense it when I would ask you for a coffee and you would reply “Umm.. no.. actually I have to get ready for this big date with this hot-jock I met last weekend.. What should I wear?”.. Wear a black mourning gown for all I care..”

“You remember him? Wow.. he turned out to be such a jerk.. I felt so stupid after the entire episode.. and yet.. I can never forget it.. can never forget him… can never forget the fact that I had the first kiss of my life that night.. and that too with whom.. sheesh..”

“You kissed him? But you said you didn’t kiss a guy in high school?”

“I.. lied..”

“Why? You could have told me.. didn’t you trust me?”

“I.. don’t.. know..”

“You know, that particular wise man also said that “There is always a little knowledge behind every "I Don't Know".. maybe you skipped that.. so don’t try to pull off that ‘I’m all confused and innocent’ act with me.. I can see right through it..”

“I don’t know.. it didn’t feel right.. to be absolutely blunt and frank.. I never felt so safe about telling things to you.. coz you would keep blurting your own intimate secrets to me.. I thought.. you know.. you might..”

“You know what.. thanks a lot for saying that.. but the truth is.. I’d never opened my heart so wide for anyone before you and I never have since then… I shared everything I had, just so that you could relate to that one thing which tells you in some divine sense that we are meant to be together forever.. coz all that it took me to believe so.. was your carefree smile…. And friendship is a two-way street.. you had a share in it too, why couldn’t you for once forget, that I was the one who reached out and asked for your friendship, togetherness and somewhere down the line.. even tacitly for your affection.. and love.. You should have…”

“Listen.. I am very sorry to cut you off in between.. but I think the sedatives are setting in..”

“Sedatives? What sedatives?”

“I have been trying to tell you all along.. I have been suffering from bouts of depression for the past few weeks.. and I decided to end it this morning.. and took an overdose of my sleep medication.. I was about to take a second batch, but while I was searching for them, I saw your envelope, and thought, I must meet you before going away forever.. you know, to relive those past times we shared.. and I am so happy I did.. so happy that I got to live my last moments with the person who knew me better than I myself did.. so happy that…….”

Then she fainted.. I, a retired, weak and old man approaching my sixties, had two choices then:

1. Either I rush her to the hospital, spend a major fraction of my pension money on her treatment, and relocate her with me and my family, only to see her sorry, sympathetic smiles every day, feel the warmth of a friend emanating from her but not that of a beloved (let’s face it, she never loved me and never would, do what I may), and maybe to see her find her soul-mate in yet another douchebag and let her drift away.. far away from my life.. once again.
2. Or, I hold her tightly in my arms till the moment I can savour the warmth of her body alongside mine.. let her live out her last moments pleasantly, in complete satisfaction, engrossed in a deep slumber which would soon engulf her forever, and keep her memory etched in my mind in the picture-perfect manner that she had chosen, to part with me and this world.

I didn’t have to give much thought to it, and nonchalantly chose the second option. She died in my arms that evening, and I can never forget that day. I had a picture taken of the two of us, (by a helpful kid) with her head resting on my shoulder, and I kept it next to our ‘Class of ‘69’ photograph. I had a formal burial organized for her, all three of her previous husbands came, along with their respective offsprings, and everyone was utterly surprised to see a stranger (apparently she hadn’t mentioned about me to anyone, all her life..) do so much for her. I plan to be buried alongside her, and have already mentioned it in my will.

I often look at those two pictures on my bedside, and think of the amazing journey my life encompassed in the meanwhile.. about the weird and bitter-sweet times that I spent with her.. in school and on the park bench that day.. it’s one of my favorite pastimes now and sometimes even keeps me awake all night.

I also wonder if what I did that day was the right thing to do. Obviously, in a sense it was selfish and immoral. I had a chance to save the life of a person who had trusted me in her last days, and I was bounded by all my religious obligations to acknowledge that belief by saving her life, even if it cost me heftily, both financially and emotionally. I know whichever way I try to defend it, I had sinned, and a part of me knows that pretty well. But, it was she who had chosen to end her misery that day, and in a way, it also ended mine with hers.. coz now I no longer have to check the passenger list on a flight to see if her name is there, so that I can go and sit beside her, I no longer have to buy the latest directories to see if her number is listed there, I no longer have to check my mailbox to see if she had replied to any of my mails, and most importantly, I don’t have to check the obituary columns every day, to check if she had died an untimely and/or unloved death…

Some people live out their lives without really knowing what the word ‘pain’ truly means.. and if she wanted a peaceful exit then I had no right to deny it.. I had always succumbed to all her whims and fancies all my life, how could I not do so in her last moments?? End of story…..

E.T. @ E.T.

We at Entertainment Today have always reported extraordinary events occurring in the outside world to you. But today something extraordinary happened right inside our office! Reportedly, at about 10.45 a.m. (time changed), a woman (gender changed) barged into our office claiming to be an Extra-terrestrial or an Alien, as known colloquially, and demanded to be interviewed by us.

Here are excerpts from the extraordinary interview that ensued:

ET: Hello, Please give a brief description about yourself..

ET(allegedly): Hi, my name is Natassha D’sousa (name changed) and I am a Milkman (profession changed) at Sri Bhargava Institute of Technology (college changed), Nuamundi (place changed)..

(We are really trying to keep his identity under wraps you see..)

ET: So you claim to be an Extra Terrestrial, or I should say.. an Alien?

ET: Please.. Don’t use that A-word.. Even an Indian in USA is an alien.. what’s so special about that.. Being an Extra Terrestrial?? Yes.. that’s a special feeling..

ET: So… what made you think, or rather believe that you are an ET?

ET: Well.. I saw this TED video on my laptop.. which talks about the baffling phenomena at work that facilitate the process of creative genius, and it stressed upon a surreal, indistinguishable voice, which tells us what to do. When people listen to that voice and follow it word to word, they are automatically branded as Genius. I also heard such a voice and thought it’s best to inform the public through a respectable and highly credible medium such as yours (éclat changed).

ET: So what do these voices sound like? Where do they come from? What do they tell you?

ET: Well.. to tell the truth they are as indistinguishable as the multiple questions you are simultaneously firing at me right now and if I had been a lesser mortal, I would have been entirely discombobulated.. but the fact that I am not, serves as a proof that I am indeed a superior form of existence (various profanities deleted). Coming to your questions, the voices are like radio signals, invisible yet clear enough to be discernable. And it’s quite obvious they are transmitted by an alien ship hovering above our earth… What they tell me.. is.. well.. a complex issue to address..

ET: Could you please elucidate for our readers convenience?

ET: Yeah sure.. that’s why I’ve come here.. I only said that to catch some breath.. see.. it all started three nights ago…

Now, before anything, let me tell you.. I am a thoughtful guy by nature, but I do all my thinking during the day. Nothing should interfere with my beauty sleep and hence I am generally a sound sleeper, without any family history of insomnia or somnambulism etc. But that night I just couldn’t sleep.. it was as if my mind was in overdrive mode and was being flooded with infinite quantities of information coming from an unknown source. I tried very hard to fight it and get back to sleep but I just couldn’t.. I just couldn’t! Hence I woke up, took a chair and sat in the verandah. There I sat motionless for three days and three nights, without as much as a bathroom break, and finally established contact with the supernal forces of nature.

ET: How are you so sure that it was from aliens and not just a figment of your imagination?

ET: Once again.. alien is a pejorative term and I wouldn’t like you to use it. Anyways, earlier I was myself confused as to what are those strange voices inside my head and tried to fathom them.. but they were just random words and basically..

ET: (interrupting) What were those random words? What did they say?

ET: Well.. random things.. no particular theme or string of thoughts.. just very random stuff like..

ET: (interrupting) Like Mission to Mars? 2001: A Space Odyssey? Planet of the Apes?

ET: You forgot War of the Worlds.. but yes it was a forgettable movie anyways.. (he didn’t really say that.. but you know.. its Entertainment Today after all..). Well nothing like that.. the voices just kept answering whatever questions were popping up in my mind for the entire three day period.. (long pause) you know random questions.. about life, faith.. love… family… you know.. India.. life.. oh I just said that.. sorry.. please edit that out.. okay? And you know that kinda’ stuff.. questions that bother us middle class people (class changed).

ET: So what were the questions that it answered? Could you cite a few?

ET: I knew you would ask that and hence I had an ace up my sleeve.. the voices answered all my questions.. ALL.. just the fact that they kept me busy for three long days should tell you that.. and they empowered me to answer any question that any normal human being could possibly ask. So here’s my ace.. why don’t you or any of your listeners.. (mild interruptions).. oh this is not being broadcast live? Oh.. sorry sorry.. please edit that part too.. so.. why don’t we switch places and I become the interviewee and you become the interviewer and ask me any question you want.. and I’ll answer it (triumphant smile)

(mild interruption).. oh is it? We are already following those roles.. really sorry.. please edit that entire segment.. three days is a long time you know.. causes mental fatigue and all.. anyways.. you ask any question and I will answer.. and you studio people can participate too.. it’s an open offer..

ET Team: Sir, what is the purpose of life?

(brief pause)

ET: We have so many entrance exams in our country.. even I failed (accomplishment changed) one to become a part of my college.. Life is also an entrance exam to determine who gets to achieve supreme enlightenment..

ET Team: Can you define ‘Supreme Enlightenment’ more intricately? And what is the purpose of achieving it?

ET: Well supreme enlightenment is the state when all your questions are answered and there is nothing left in life for you to ponder upon. Life, which is full of struggles, is the test that determines who deserves to get the gift of enlightenment. The thing is… you need to impress the Extra-Terrestrials by showing them you have a lot of perseverance and grit and are a respectable candidate to be endowed with such an alarming quantity of knowledge and wisdom. All these little difficulties in life that you face everyday are like the individual questions in an exam, each contributing towards determining whether you clear the exam or not. See the basic reason why you need such a lot of grit to be gifted that knowledge is because the entire purpose of being endowed with it, is that you can convey it to ordinary, non-gifted folk. And you need a lot of grit for that coz when you tell the lesser humans, the startling facts of life, they would ridicule you, chide you, jibe you and tirade you… but when they understand what you said was the ultimate truth, they would worship you. Just like Buddha… the only difference is that he attained his enlightenment under a banyan tree.. I attained mine in a balcony..

ET Team: So you mean to say this exclusive knowledge is contained by the Extra-terrestrials and passed on to some very special people so that they can become prophets one day?

ET: Absolutely.. and thanks for putting my verbose answer in a nutshell..

ET Team: So give us some examples of that hallowed and precious knowledge.. give an answer to say.. you know.. Why is there so much suffering in the world?

ET: I already answered that.. suffering is a part of the entrance test..

ET Team: (interrupting) Yaya.. got that.. tell me why do people fall in love when they know it would remain unrequited?

ET: People don’t fall in love.. nobody can fall in love (makes weird face).. falling is an instantaneous activity.. happens in a snap.. like this (snaps fingers).. love doesn’t.. I mean its love.. not 2-minute noodles ki button dabaya aur ho gaya.. its generally fondness that people mistake as love at first sight when they meet someone affable.. the movies and songs and greeting card companies are to be blamed for creating this disillusionment in our heads.. and making us trigger-happy when it comes to labeling any sort of feeling as ‘love’… but the fact remains that love takes time and it is often a conscious decision.. there is always a return path..

ET Team: Okay fine.. “Love Guruji”.. you said you asked about India too? So tell me.. when would India become a superpower?

ET: India is already a superpower.. look at the number of MNCs’ who have established their offices here. Undoubtedly, this process has brought in a lot of revenue in our country, but now it’s time to use this revenue to create our own.. it’s time to create an era where indigenous multinationals are spawned.. after all, a country is not branded a superpower based upon the number of MNCs’ whose work it outsources.. A superpower is one which has many home-grown businesses which turn into MNCs’ one day…

…And that is the biggest problem here.. Lack of Entrepreneurship.. and I am not talking about your neighborhood tea-stall or Convenience stores.. they are entrepreneurs in their own right but not the ones I am talking about.. India has lots of budding talent.. it’s just not given the right impetus to grow or the environment to incubate.. it’s like.. what do you need to convert a 20 Rs. Per liter milk into a 100 Rs. Per kg Curd? Just three things.. half a teaspoon of curd, the right temperature and some time. Similarly if the government shells out a little curd to every bowl of milk in India, gives it sufficient time to incubate in the right environment.. it will produce an uncountable quantity of curd to continue the cycle…

…But our government has been doing that isn’t it? Encouraging entrepreneurs through National Entrepreneur Development Cells? But there’s a problem there.. what happens if you add more than the required quantity of curd in the milk? It will go sour, become unpalatable and lose its value. That is exactly the problem with our government.. when they give out funds.. they do so in extremely large quantities.. and the budding entrepreneurs are so ambitious that they want to utilize all the money at once and get a break-even in the shortest possible time. They want to establish multi-million businesses overnight.. but just like you can’t take nine women and create an offspring in a month.. you can’t create a successful business overnight.. it takes time and it also needs careful monitoring of fund allocation..

ET Team: Okay one final question and that would settle it.. answer the most universal and timeless question of all.. why did God, if there is such a thing, create this world?

ET: Well firstly, God very much exists.. You think Newton’s Three laws run this Universe?? Please…Gimme a break… (shuffles in his seat) He was the one who created the Extra-terrestrials and to wit, we humans are not Nature’s finest creations, they are…

…And to answer your other question, I think… no wait... I believe.. please edit out that ‘I think’ part.. I believe that someone as divine as God would never create something so chaotic and repugnant as this world.. it’s obviously the work of some lowly, demented creature…. (stares blankly into space) God didn’t create us.. he couldn’t have..

ET Team: So who did it? Aliens??

ET: Once again that word.. anyways I pardon that.. Yes.. your so called ‘Aliens’ are the creators..

ET Team: Why the heck would they do such a thing? What would they get out of it?

ET: I would answer your question with another question.. Why do we create Rube Goldberg machines? What is the inherent joy we get from creating something complex and yet so futile? It’s all about getting a high and proving your expertise at creating something.. isn’t it? It’s all just a way of saying that “I am above you losers.. I am creative and I created such a complicated machine that you couldn’t even imagine.. and just to rub it in.. I made it completely useless.. haha!”. Similarly.. Our world is just another pretext to satisfy some bloated extra-terrestrial ego.

ET Head: Well.. It does seem that you have certainly had some divine intervention in you inherent ideals, but why did you turn up for this interview? Do you want media attention?

ET: No.. not at all.. I don’t want to get any media attention and strictly request you to keep my identity under wraps (gestures with a finger on her lips).. my aim behind this extraordinary* interview was most noble.. just wanted to spread the word.. I don’t want any popularity by virtue of media coverage.. No Sirrr (waves both hands).. Actually the problem is that when you start getting a lot of Media attention, you are no longer a heart or a soul.. you are just a face that speaks.. And I certainly don’t have a face like this to deserve so much media focus (takes out photograph of KRK ; published below)

*(he actually used the word)

*****Inspired from actual events