E.T. @ E.T.

We at Entertainment Today have always reported extraordinary events occurring in the outside world to you. But today something extraordinary happened right inside our office! Reportedly, at about 10.45 a.m. (time changed), a woman (gender changed) barged into our office claiming to be an Extra-terrestrial or an Alien, as known colloquially, and demanded to be interviewed by us.

Here are excerpts from the extraordinary interview that ensued:

ET: Hello, Please give a brief description about yourself..

ET(allegedly): Hi, my name is Natassha D’sousa (name changed) and I am a Milkman (profession changed) at Sri Bhargava Institute of Technology (college changed), Nuamundi (place changed)..

(We are really trying to keep his identity under wraps you see..)

ET: So you claim to be an Extra Terrestrial, or I should say.. an Alien?

ET: Please.. Don’t use that A-word.. Even an Indian in USA is an alien.. what’s so special about that.. Being an Extra Terrestrial?? Yes.. that’s a special feeling..

ET: So… what made you think, or rather believe that you are an ET?

ET: Well.. I saw this TED video on my laptop.. which talks about the baffling phenomena at work that facilitate the process of creative genius, and it stressed upon a surreal, indistinguishable voice, which tells us what to do. When people listen to that voice and follow it word to word, they are automatically branded as Genius. I also heard such a voice and thought it’s best to inform the public through a respectable and highly credible medium such as yours (éclat changed).

ET: So what do these voices sound like? Where do they come from? What do they tell you?

ET: Well.. to tell the truth they are as indistinguishable as the multiple questions you are simultaneously firing at me right now and if I had been a lesser mortal, I would have been entirely discombobulated.. but the fact that I am not, serves as a proof that I am indeed a superior form of existence (various profanities deleted). Coming to your questions, the voices are like radio signals, invisible yet clear enough to be discernable. And it’s quite obvious they are transmitted by an alien ship hovering above our earth… What they tell me.. is.. well.. a complex issue to address..

ET: Could you please elucidate for our readers convenience?

ET: Yeah sure.. that’s why I’ve come here.. I only said that to catch some breath.. see.. it all started three nights ago…

Now, before anything, let me tell you.. I am a thoughtful guy by nature, but I do all my thinking during the day. Nothing should interfere with my beauty sleep and hence I am generally a sound sleeper, without any family history of insomnia or somnambulism etc. But that night I just couldn’t sleep.. it was as if my mind was in overdrive mode and was being flooded with infinite quantities of information coming from an unknown source. I tried very hard to fight it and get back to sleep but I just couldn’t.. I just couldn’t! Hence I woke up, took a chair and sat in the verandah. There I sat motionless for three days and three nights, without as much as a bathroom break, and finally established contact with the supernal forces of nature.

ET: How are you so sure that it was from aliens and not just a figment of your imagination?

ET: Once again.. alien is a pejorative term and I wouldn’t like you to use it. Anyways, earlier I was myself confused as to what are those strange voices inside my head and tried to fathom them.. but they were just random words and basically..

ET: (interrupting) What were those random words? What did they say?

ET: Well.. random things.. no particular theme or string of thoughts.. just very random stuff like..

ET: (interrupting) Like Mission to Mars? 2001: A Space Odyssey? Planet of the Apes?

ET: You forgot War of the Worlds.. but yes it was a forgettable movie anyways.. (he didn’t really say that.. but you know.. its Entertainment Today after all..). Well nothing like that.. the voices just kept answering whatever questions were popping up in my mind for the entire three day period.. (long pause) you know random questions.. about life, faith.. love… family… you know.. India.. life.. oh I just said that.. sorry.. please edit that out.. okay? And you know that kinda’ stuff.. questions that bother us middle class people (class changed).

ET: So what were the questions that it answered? Could you cite a few?

ET: I knew you would ask that and hence I had an ace up my sleeve.. the voices answered all my questions.. ALL.. just the fact that they kept me busy for three long days should tell you that.. and they empowered me to answer any question that any normal human being could possibly ask. So here’s my ace.. why don’t you or any of your listeners.. (mild interruptions).. oh this is not being broadcast live? Oh.. sorry sorry.. please edit that part too.. so.. why don’t we switch places and I become the interviewee and you become the interviewer and ask me any question you want.. and I’ll answer it (triumphant smile)

(mild interruption).. oh is it? We are already following those roles.. really sorry.. please edit that entire segment.. three days is a long time you know.. causes mental fatigue and all.. anyways.. you ask any question and I will answer.. and you studio people can participate too.. it’s an open offer..

ET Team: Sir, what is the purpose of life?

(brief pause)

ET: We have so many entrance exams in our country.. even I failed (accomplishment changed) one to become a part of my college.. Life is also an entrance exam to determine who gets to achieve supreme enlightenment..

ET Team: Can you define ‘Supreme Enlightenment’ more intricately? And what is the purpose of achieving it?

ET: Well supreme enlightenment is the state when all your questions are answered and there is nothing left in life for you to ponder upon. Life, which is full of struggles, is the test that determines who deserves to get the gift of enlightenment. The thing is… you need to impress the Extra-Terrestrials by showing them you have a lot of perseverance and grit and are a respectable candidate to be endowed with such an alarming quantity of knowledge and wisdom. All these little difficulties in life that you face everyday are like the individual questions in an exam, each contributing towards determining whether you clear the exam or not. See the basic reason why you need such a lot of grit to be gifted that knowledge is because the entire purpose of being endowed with it, is that you can convey it to ordinary, non-gifted folk. And you need a lot of grit for that coz when you tell the lesser humans, the startling facts of life, they would ridicule you, chide you, jibe you and tirade you… but when they understand what you said was the ultimate truth, they would worship you. Just like Buddha… the only difference is that he attained his enlightenment under a banyan tree.. I attained mine in a balcony..

ET Team: So you mean to say this exclusive knowledge is contained by the Extra-terrestrials and passed on to some very special people so that they can become prophets one day?

ET: Absolutely.. and thanks for putting my verbose answer in a nutshell..

ET Team: So give us some examples of that hallowed and precious knowledge.. give an answer to say.. you know.. Why is there so much suffering in the world?

ET: I already answered that.. suffering is a part of the entrance test..

ET Team: (interrupting) Yaya.. got that.. tell me why do people fall in love when they know it would remain unrequited?

ET: People don’t fall in love.. nobody can fall in love (makes weird face).. falling is an instantaneous activity.. happens in a snap.. like this (snaps fingers).. love doesn’t.. I mean its love.. not 2-minute noodles ki button dabaya aur ho gaya.. its generally fondness that people mistake as love at first sight when they meet someone affable.. the movies and songs and greeting card companies are to be blamed for creating this disillusionment in our heads.. and making us trigger-happy when it comes to labeling any sort of feeling as ‘love’… but the fact remains that love takes time and it is often a conscious decision.. there is always a return path..

ET Team: Okay fine.. “Love Guruji”.. you said you asked about India too? So tell me.. when would India become a superpower?

ET: India is already a superpower.. look at the number of MNCs’ who have established their offices here. Undoubtedly, this process has brought in a lot of revenue in our country, but now it’s time to use this revenue to create our own.. it’s time to create an era where indigenous multinationals are spawned.. after all, a country is not branded a superpower based upon the number of MNCs’ whose work it outsources.. A superpower is one which has many home-grown businesses which turn into MNCs’ one day…

…And that is the biggest problem here.. Lack of Entrepreneurship.. and I am not talking about your neighborhood tea-stall or Convenience stores.. they are entrepreneurs in their own right but not the ones I am talking about.. India has lots of budding talent.. it’s just not given the right impetus to grow or the environment to incubate.. it’s like.. what do you need to convert a 20 Rs. Per liter milk into a 100 Rs. Per kg Curd? Just three things.. half a teaspoon of curd, the right temperature and some time. Similarly if the government shells out a little curd to every bowl of milk in India, gives it sufficient time to incubate in the right environment.. it will produce an uncountable quantity of curd to continue the cycle…

…But our government has been doing that isn’t it? Encouraging entrepreneurs through National Entrepreneur Development Cells? But there’s a problem there.. what happens if you add more than the required quantity of curd in the milk? It will go sour, become unpalatable and lose its value. That is exactly the problem with our government.. when they give out funds.. they do so in extremely large quantities.. and the budding entrepreneurs are so ambitious that they want to utilize all the money at once and get a break-even in the shortest possible time. They want to establish multi-million businesses overnight.. but just like you can’t take nine women and create an offspring in a month.. you can’t create a successful business overnight.. it takes time and it also needs careful monitoring of fund allocation..

ET Team: Okay one final question and that would settle it.. answer the most universal and timeless question of all.. why did God, if there is such a thing, create this world?

ET: Well firstly, God very much exists.. You think Newton’s Three laws run this Universe?? Please…Gimme a break… (shuffles in his seat) He was the one who created the Extra-terrestrials and to wit, we humans are not Nature’s finest creations, they are…

…And to answer your other question, I think… no wait... I believe.. please edit out that ‘I think’ part.. I believe that someone as divine as God would never create something so chaotic and repugnant as this world.. it’s obviously the work of some lowly, demented creature…. (stares blankly into space) God didn’t create us.. he couldn’t have..

ET Team: So who did it? Aliens??

ET: Once again that word.. anyways I pardon that.. Yes.. your so called ‘Aliens’ are the creators..

ET Team: Why the heck would they do such a thing? What would they get out of it?

ET: I would answer your question with another question.. Why do we create Rube Goldberg machines? What is the inherent joy we get from creating something complex and yet so futile? It’s all about getting a high and proving your expertise at creating something.. isn’t it? It’s all just a way of saying that “I am above you losers.. I am creative and I created such a complicated machine that you couldn’t even imagine.. and just to rub it in.. I made it completely useless.. haha!”. Similarly.. Our world is just another pretext to satisfy some bloated extra-terrestrial ego.

ET Head: Well.. It does seem that you have certainly had some divine intervention in you inherent ideals, but why did you turn up for this interview? Do you want media attention?

ET: No.. not at all.. I don’t want to get any media attention and strictly request you to keep my identity under wraps (gestures with a finger on her lips).. my aim behind this extraordinary* interview was most noble.. just wanted to spread the word.. I don’t want any popularity by virtue of media coverage.. No Sirrr (waves both hands).. Actually the problem is that when you start getting a lot of Media attention, you are no longer a heart or a soul.. you are just a face that speaks.. And I certainly don’t have a face like this to deserve so much media focus (takes out photograph of KRK ; published below)

*(he actually used the word)

*****Inspired from actual events