1969

““This is a story of boy meets girl, but you should know upfront... This is absolutely not a love story.”

*

“1969 was the year when I first fell in love. And I hate Bryan Adams for making a song out of it..”

“Hehe.. why so?”

“Well.. what the heck.. coz it reminded me of you..”

“ME?? Really?”

“Cummon.. don’t act all surprised and stuff.. it’s as if you never knew..”

“I swear I didn’t.. I mean if I would have.. then.. might be..”

“Might be what? Given my cloddish feelings some irrelevant consideration?? I mean why did you never think about me ‘that way’? Was I so extremely repugnant that I would never even stand a chance to be with you even in your thoughts? I mean come on.. You must have thought sometimes about me…. at least once? You must have considered me as an eligible candidate amongst the long list of contenders desperately vying to be your boyfriend?? Anyways.. does it even matter now.. ”

“Now don’t say that..”

“Then what do I say? That I still love you like I had when I was 15 or 16 years old, and still think about you every night before going to bed while staring at our ‘Class of ‘69 pic?”

“Please don’t get angry.. I didn’t mean to..”

“Don’t change the topic.. my anger is not the topic of discussion here.. We were talking about something else.. what was it? I forgot.. ”

“I asked you about who is the person you hate the most..”

“Ohh.. ya.. so you called me here after all these years just to ask that? Now that you know.. what do you plan to do about it? ”

“Nothing.. forget it.. sorry for bothering you.. I just thought that now that we finally live in the same city we should meet up sometime and chat a bit.. both of us lost our spouses this year.. I thought it would be a good way to.. you know.. share our feelings of loss..”

“Ooo… Since when did you start cultivating emotions and became so considerate?”

“And since when did you become so irate?? I mean I always remembered you as a jovial and spirited fella’.. Someone who always found a way to liven me up when I was down.. ”

“Ohh.. WOW!! So that’s all that I am to you? That’s all I ever was? Your special Idiot?? Well.. this just in.. I humbly renounce this coveted post.. I won’t be your idiot any more, it’s not my duty to make you smile..”

“Come on.. don’t say that.. you were and will always be my most special friend.. the fact that I am sitting with you here right now should tell you that..”

“I’m honoured!!”

“Please.. don’t be such a jerk.. Coz I know you are not.. and you suck at sarcasm.. anyways I called you here to tell you something..”

“I’m all ears.. Ma’am..”

“Hmmm… There’s a reason why I asked you about the person you hate the most.. I don’t know if what you said was true.. but the person I hate the most.. is myself..”

“What? Are you serious? I spent all my life trying to find someone who didn’t like you or love you.. and I found not one person fulfilling that criteria.. And now I find that person sitting right in front of me.. Lucky me!”

“Heh.. so typical of you to say that.. but seriously.. for the past few months.. I have been thinking a lot about my past life.. and the more I think.. the more I hate myself.. I mean I married thrice.. lost my kids custody.. could never be a good wife or mother.. and when I finally found someone I could feel safe with, I lost him coz fate can never see me truly happy.. all the mistakes I did, they are coming back to haunt me now.. I feel so totally at loss.. feel so utterly alone.”

“Hey.. wait a minute.. ain’t I supposed to be the ‘Sorry Soul’ here? It’s weird to hear such things from you…. In school, we would all yammer about how we all would end up all old, alone and unwanted.. while people like you would still enjoy the attention of every passerby and even remote acquaintances.. Infact.. even though I loved you like an imbecile.. I secretly hated you for the amount of attention and affection you got.. I hated you coz I was so invisible to you.. coz You made me feel so humiliated every single time when my fantasies didn’t manifest into reality.. when my little loving gestures went unnoticed.. when you failed to read my signals, my sighs, my deep breaths, and my eyes..”

“See.. even you hate me..”

“Wait.. let me finish first.. this world is not meant to run on your whims and fancies and so ain’t I.. You know why all three of your husbands left you? Lack of communication…. Wait.. let me finish dear… Even though you might have loved them or something.. I am pretty sure you wouldn’t have ever gone out of your way to express it explicitly.. whereas your hubbies would have surely done everything humanly possible to showcase their deep love for you…. Those little green catty eyes of yours, you can win over anybody with just a blink of them.. but you can’t answer every question through them.. you have to use your mouth sometimes and articulate an answer in so many words.. The world would be a much happier place if girls would learn to say ‘Yes’ a lot more to guys, and would also be a lot less confusing if girls smiled lesser and spoke clearly more often. You can’t just leave everything speculative and uncertain, and through that, leave people conjecturing if that expression meant ‘Yes’, ‘No’ or ‘Whateva.. I don’t care..’. It was this lack of warmth in your expressiveness which drove all these people away from you.. People feel insignificant when you don’t acknowledge their efforts.. didn’t anybody teach you that? ”

“I am a horrible person.. ain’t I?”

“Horrible? You are a Manic Pixie Dream Girl for Pete’s Sake! Call me a fool if you may.. but every time someone asked me about the girl of my dreams, my thoughts stopped at you.. I try to imagine girls with various combinations of desirable features, but it seems as if it all optimizes to create a figurine that resembles you horribly too exactly.. I would be the last person to call you ‘horrible’ in any respect.. although ‘Insensitive Scuzzbag’ would be more apt according to me..”

“Why do you have to be like this? I made you suffer didn’t I? Then why are you still sitting here trying to cheer me up?”

“Firstly, yes.. you did make me suffer.. I underwent a shitload of suffering coz of you.. You have no idea how difficult it is to be a boy.. you girls are so naturally adept at handling emotions professionally, but for us guys, having an unsaid emotion buried in our heart is like having to run a marathon with a steel spike stuck in your foot.. it’s like.. if you could wish for one thing in life.. it would be to get it out of there.. somehow.. and fast!!”

“I am sorry for it.. for all of it.. really.. for being so inconsiderate and so..”

“Hey.. don’t worry about it.. it’s OK now.. I mean now I don’t even care about what happened in the past.. and I was just kidding about the whole ‘Insensitive Scuzzbag’ thing.. don’t take it seriously..”

“You know what.. a wise man once said, there is always a little truth behind every "Just Kidding", a little emotion behind every "I Don't Care" and a little pain behind every "It's OK".. So don’t try to pull off that ‘I’m all fine and dandy’ act with me.. I can see right through it..”

“Oh.. my my.. You can? When were you gifted with this special ability? Coz back in ‘69 you didn’t seem to have even a fraction of it in you.. Could you never sense it when I would ask you for a coffee and you would reply “Umm.. no.. actually I have to get ready for this big date with this hot-jock I met last weekend.. What should I wear?”.. Wear a black mourning gown for all I care..”

“You remember him? Wow.. he turned out to be such a jerk.. I felt so stupid after the entire episode.. and yet.. I can never forget it.. can never forget him… can never forget the fact that I had the first kiss of my life that night.. and that too with whom.. sheesh..”

“You kissed him? But you said you didn’t kiss a guy in high school?”

“I.. lied..”

“Why? You could have told me.. didn’t you trust me?”

“I.. don’t.. know..”

“You know, that particular wise man also said that “There is always a little knowledge behind every "I Don't Know".. maybe you skipped that.. so don’t try to pull off that ‘I’m all confused and innocent’ act with me.. I can see right through it..”

“I don’t know.. it didn’t feel right.. to be absolutely blunt and frank.. I never felt so safe about telling things to you.. coz you would keep blurting your own intimate secrets to me.. I thought.. you know.. you might..”

“You know what.. thanks a lot for saying that.. but the truth is.. I’d never opened my heart so wide for anyone before you and I never have since then… I shared everything I had, just so that you could relate to that one thing which tells you in some divine sense that we are meant to be together forever.. coz all that it took me to believe so.. was your carefree smile…. And friendship is a two-way street.. you had a share in it too, why couldn’t you for once forget, that I was the one who reached out and asked for your friendship, togetherness and somewhere down the line.. even tacitly for your affection.. and love.. You should have…”

“Listen.. I am very sorry to cut you off in between.. but I think the sedatives are setting in..”

“Sedatives? What sedatives?”

“I have been trying to tell you all along.. I have been suffering from bouts of depression for the past few weeks.. and I decided to end it this morning.. and took an overdose of my sleep medication.. I was about to take a second batch, but while I was searching for them, I saw your envelope, and thought, I must meet you before going away forever.. you know, to relive those past times we shared.. and I am so happy I did.. so happy that I got to live my last moments with the person who knew me better than I myself did.. so happy that…….”

Then she fainted.. I, a retired, weak and old man approaching my sixties, had two choices then:

1. Either I rush her to the hospital, spend a major fraction of my pension money on her treatment, and relocate her with me and my family, only to see her sorry, sympathetic smiles every day, feel the warmth of a friend emanating from her but not that of a beloved (let’s face it, she never loved me and never would, do what I may), and maybe to see her find her soul-mate in yet another douchebag and let her drift away.. far away from my life.. once again.
2. Or, I hold her tightly in my arms till the moment I can savour the warmth of her body alongside mine.. let her live out her last moments pleasantly, in complete satisfaction, engrossed in a deep slumber which would soon engulf her forever, and keep her memory etched in my mind in the picture-perfect manner that she had chosen, to part with me and this world.

I didn’t have to give much thought to it, and nonchalantly chose the second option. She died in my arms that evening, and I can never forget that day. I had a picture taken of the two of us, (by a helpful kid) with her head resting on my shoulder, and I kept it next to our ‘Class of ‘69’ photograph. I had a formal burial organized for her, all three of her previous husbands came, along with their respective offsprings, and everyone was utterly surprised to see a stranger (apparently she hadn’t mentioned about me to anyone, all her life..) do so much for her. I plan to be buried alongside her, and have already mentioned it in my will.

I often look at those two pictures on my bedside, and think of the amazing journey my life encompassed in the meanwhile.. about the weird and bitter-sweet times that I spent with her.. in school and on the park bench that day.. it’s one of my favorite pastimes now and sometimes even keeps me awake all night.

I also wonder if what I did that day was the right thing to do. Obviously, in a sense it was selfish and immoral. I had a chance to save the life of a person who had trusted me in her last days, and I was bounded by all my religious obligations to acknowledge that belief by saving her life, even if it cost me heftily, both financially and emotionally. I know whichever way I try to defend it, I had sinned, and a part of me knows that pretty well. But, it was she who had chosen to end her misery that day, and in a way, it also ended mine with hers.. coz now I no longer have to check the passenger list on a flight to see if her name is there, so that I can go and sit beside her, I no longer have to buy the latest directories to see if her number is listed there, I no longer have to check my mailbox to see if she had replied to any of my mails, and most importantly, I don’t have to check the obituary columns every day, to check if she had died an untimely and/or unloved death…

Some people live out their lives without really knowing what the word ‘pain’ truly means.. and if she wanted a peaceful exit then I had no right to deny it.. I had always succumbed to all her whims and fancies all my life, how could I not do so in her last moments?? End of story…..